Trevor Philips is one of the most memorable video game characters in years. Known primarily for his viciously hot temper, brutal violence, and penchant for saying anything that pops into his head, he is every Grand Theft Auto player brought to life inside the game itself. As such, he has a myriad of amazing quotes, many of which are equally insulting, offensive, and hilarious.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to pick just ten, because basically everything that comes out of his mouth is both purely horrifying and pure gold. Still, we’re going to try anyway! Here are our picks for Trevor Philips’ most memorable lines in Grand Theft Auto 5.
Updated on February 17, 2021 by Scoot Allan: Grand Theft Auto 5 separated itself from previous games in the hit Rockstar Games franchise by following the storylines of three main characters who each highlight a different aspect of Los Santos’ criminal life. Trevor Philips represents the deranged drug dealing, weapon smuggling, bank-robbing career criminal. Trevor was, without a doubt, the most memorable character in the game, and he had some truly unforgettable quotes. In fact, Trevor had almost too many to count as he can be found screaming at somebody at almost any given point in the game. Here are a few more quotes for fans of the insane Trevor Philips to enjoy.
15 “I’m Beyond KALE, Alright? It’s Too Late For KALE!”
Trevor is a man of certain tastes, as he made abundantly clear to Michael during their first reunion after the surprised family man suggested kale as the answer to Trevor’s problems. Obviously, that just wasn’t going to cut it.
Trevor said as much, further revealing his tastes tended to lean towards “crank, cannibalism, and incest.” He was way past kale doing him any good, which is fairly obvious by his listed choice of illegal and disturbing vices that only scratch the surface of Trevor’s unique depravities.
14 “I Said Something Nice, Not Something Expensive!”
One of Trevor’s most unforgettable moments comes when he calls on Franklin at his house to hang out since he’s new in town and interacts with his Aunt Denise for the first time. Trevor lays on the charm and quickly endears himself to the usually contentious woman.
Trevor even handed Denise some money so she can buy herself something nice. However, when she questioned the low $7 amount, the charm quickly turned into Trevor’s usual behavior as he berated her for her greediness and told her to beat it, in less friendly terms.
13 “I’ll Swing By And Sign The Contracts, Alright? Just Ignore The Bodies!”
Now, doesn’t this quote just sum Trevor up beautifully? First and foremost, he tries to be a legitimate businessman. Well, about as legitimate as his line of business gets, anyway. He wants to “swing by” and “sign some contracts,” which is typical businessman speak.
But then he just has to go all Trevor on us by telling his business partner to “ignore the bodies.” As in, dead bodies. As in, people that Trevor has murdered. It’s a hilarious quote that nicely shows the dichotomy of Trevor, and it proves that, above all else, Trevor is a totally unhinged guy.
12 “Don’t You Ever Not Tell Me Things I Wanna Know!”
One of the first looks into the unique mind of Trevor Philips occurs prior to his reunion with his former partner Michael De Santa, who he thought was dead after a shootout with the police years earlier thanks to a cover story by the Witness Protection Program.
Trevor had his friend/underling Wade track down Michael in Los Santos (using the phone book). Instead of rewarding him for the information like Wade himself assumed, Trevor beat and punished his “friend” for not telling him the information before he requested it. This is a pretty great introduction to Trevor’s unique management skills.
11 “You Look Like You Struggle With Simple Tasks.”
Sometimes the most hilarious insults are the most simple. Trevor has a number of random insults at the ready to unleash on unsuspecting citizens of Los Santos, one of which is simple but hilarious, “you look like you struggle with simple tasks.”
Maybe what makes it so funny is that it is so unlike Trevor. While he usually resorts to horrible curse words, strings of profanity, or threats of violence, this insult is simple, clean, and to the point. It’s like something you would hear a child say and burst out laughing despite your better nature. Well done, Trevor. Well done.
10 “…But I Did Kidnap His Wife.”
If you do absolutely ANYTHING to get in Trevor Philips’ bad books, you better be ready to pay the consequences. Usually, that consequence is your death. But it could also be the kidnapping of your wife. While talking to Michael, Trevor admits that he “got a little angry” with Martin Madrazo, mostly because Martin got angry at HIM.
Knowing Trevor well, Michael asks him if he killed Martin. Trevor’s response is pure poetry: “what kinda f***ing animal do you take me for? No, I didn’t kill him! But I did kidnap his wife.” And the shoe drops. Because there’s always a shoe when it comes to Trevor Philips.
9 “…And Tell Him We’ll Need Chips And Dip And Prostitutes.”
Trevor’s treatment of Wade also extended to his family, as the pair head to Los Santos and crash at Wade’s cousin Floyd’s condo, who is one of the most wholesome characters in the game. Of course, Trevor begins to slowly corrupt and use Floyd while systematically destroying his life.
When Floyd initially objects with his cousin about having criminals meet at his condo, Trevor shares his own two cents and gets ready to party in ways only he seems capable of understanding. Floyd’s role in the situation is sad but Trevor, as always, is hilariously unforgettable.
8 “You Made A Bit Of Money And You Became A Turd.”
The Grand Theft Auto series has always made for great satire, and Grand Theft Auto V is especially harsh towards the concepts of celebrity, wealth, material possessions, and the outward appearance of fortune and happiness. This is best summed up through the character of Michael, who uses his stashed millions to live a life of unhappy luxury in the Hollywood Hills.
Fortunately, Trevor can see right through Michael’s rich man exterior, telling him “you’re like every other a*****e. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.” Now, doesn’t that just about sum up the vanity of Hollywood?
7 “Oh, By The Way, That’s Entirely Your Fault.”
This is another spectacular quote uttered by Trevor while simply driving down the street. It occurs after you accidentally (or intentionally, depending on how you play) bump into another car. While they may apologize, Trevor will directly tell them that it was their fault, even if it most certainly was not.
Like the other insult, this one is hilarious because it is so simple. Getting into car accidents can be infuriating, and we’re sure conversations like this play out on city streets all the time.
6 “I Need To Meditate. Or Masturbate. Or Both.”
Trevor has a few associates he uses to help him with his company and criminal empire, including conspiracy theorist and podcast host Ron. The latter serves as CEO of Trevor Philips Enterprises and occasionally tips Trevor off about money-making opportunities.
Trevor revealed his post-criminal routines to Ron after a tense mission highjacking a cargo plane filled with weapons from Merryweather. Both activities, either separate or together, clearly and hilariously revealed to Ron that Trevor needed some time alone.
5 “I’m Cranked Out On Speed Most Of The Time, But I Am Productivity Personified.”
Well, we can all say this about Trevor – the man is productive. Rather than wallowing like Michael or whining about his circumstances like Franklin, Trevor goes out there and gets stuff done. Usually, that involves causing mass amounts of destruction and murdering a lot of people, but hey, it’s still productive for Trevor!
Of course, the drugs obviously help, and Trevor admits as much in this gut-busting quote. We appreciate Rockstar’s writing: he’s intelligent, he’s productive, and he’s hilarious, all three of which are nicely encapsulated in this quote.
4 “Me, I’m Not Rational.”
As we’ve established, and as anyone who has played the game will tell you, Trevor Philips has a few screws loose. Fortunately, he is intelligent and self-aware enough to acknowledge that fact. It’s what makes him such a fascinating character.
This can be seen in his brilliant speech to Devin Weston during ending C. While Devin is pleading for his life, Trevor tells him, “me, I’m not rational. I don’t care if you’re useful or not. I feel like taking you out, Devo, so that’s what I’m doing.” It’s a wonderful summation of Trevor’s character, and it makes us pump our fists despite ourselves. Devin Weston was a slimeball, and it was nice to hear him get his comeuppance at the hands of Trevor.
3 “F*** You, F*** Your Pizza, F*** Everything It Stands For!”
Now, this is the kind of hilarity we expect to hear from Trevor! Enough of that self-referential stuff. This quote comes at the end of the mission “Bury the Hatchet,” when Michael calls Trevor. To prevent Trevor from traveling to North Yankton, Michael offers him beer and pizza to smooth things over.
Naturally, Trevor isn’t having any of that and proceeds to yell the above quote at Michael. It’s not only hilarious, but it succinctly showcases where Trevor and Michael are at that point in their relationship. Trevor doesn’t want to see Michael, he doesn’t want to smooth things over, and he DEFINITELY doesn’t want his pizza.
2 “SCOOTER BROTHERS!”
One of the most entertaining aspects of this game is changing to Trevor. You’re usually treated to some sort of ridiculous scenario, and you can almost guarantee that Trevor has something funny to say at the end of it. In one instance, Trevor can be seen on a scooter following a random NPC who is also on a scooter, screaming, “SCOOTER BROTHERS!” at the top of his lungs.
This is a reference to an old YouTube video, which saw a GTA IV player following an NPC with the same motorcycle and yelling “Scooter brothers!” at them. Rockstar clearly thought it was pretty funny and decided to include it in GTA V. We’re glad they did.
1 “I’m Sorry I Showed My Thingy, Okay!?”
This is perhaps the greatest “switch to Trevor” moment of them all. Which is saying something, because they are all spectacular. In this one, Trevor will be following someone in his car. While slightly behind them, he will yell to them, “I’m sorry I showed my thingy, okay!?” which just brings up a bunch of questions.
How did it get to this point? Who did Trevor “show his thingy” to? WHY did Trevor “show his thingy” in the first place? How long has he been following them? Are they going to the police, or just trying to get away from this unhinged man? The questions are endless, but then again, that’s exactly what you get with Trevor Philips. He’s as unpredictable as they come.
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