Who needs to date a boring human when there are perfectly eligible monster boys and girls right there on the big screen?
Since the release of Godzilla: King of Monsters, fans have been waiting at the edge of their seats for the upcoming Godzilla vs. Kong 2021 movie. These films are part of a very long list of giant monster movies (also known as kaiju movies) that have maintained a loyal fanbase for decades, creating a pop culture sensation out of these enormous creatures that threaten the existence of humankind. Since this has also spawned a fierce love for these monsters, and there are so many to choose from, here’s a list that carefully analyzes the dateability of 10 famous kaiju, ranked from best to worst!
The queen herself must absolutely be at the top of the list. She’s beauty, she’s grace, she stings her enemies in the face and then goes “EEE-EEE-EEE.” Mothra has the confidence of a French runway model and the deadly prowess of a viper. Few ask her out, mostly because she’s a giant bug and not everyone is into that. She also hangs out with Godzilla a lot, and they’re usually busy fighting the forces of evil together. But if someone has the guts to talk to her, Mothra will most likely agree to a date.
Dating her is terrifying at first. It’s not like she’s trying to scare her date on purpose; being in her ethereal presence is dangerous for the weak-minded. Once her partner gets it together however, they will discover that Mothra is a sweet, loving, and protective lady. She will always make sure they’re cared for and feel loved 24/7. If anyone dares hurt her partner, then she’s throwing bug hands immediately. She might even die doing it, so it’s best to establish some barriers and tell her, “Hey, maybe don’t sacrifice your life for my sake maybe?” before things get serious. No promises, though.
And the best part: she’s immortal! Love truly is eternal with her. The worst part: she’s immortal, so if things don’t end well between her and her date, then she will never forget them for eons to come. So don’t do anything stupid to make her mad, like trying to murder her friends. That will definitely strike a nerve.
Godzilla’s got a troubled past; this nuclear monster did emerge from the depths of the ocean to destroy Tokyo way back when. However this big lovely boy has moved on to (begrudgingly) protect humanity. What a hero! And in doing so he has become one of the most famous and beloved monsters to date with dozens of movies, comics, and never-ending fanmade content.
He’s just like any other guy, though. Dates with him can get kind of awkward no matter what stage of the relationship he’s in. He’ll be fashionably late because it takes a lot of time to lug that giant body from the ocean to the restaurant, so it’s probably best to eat by the beach in this case. Godzilla may look uncomfortable at first, so give him time to warm up by starting small talk. Ask him questions like, “What’s home like?” “Any kids?” or “Is that…blood on your shoulder?” To which he will reply, “Big and wet,” “Yes, two of them” and “Don’t worry about it.”
Eventually he’ll open up and reveal that he’s a big sweetheart. When things go further, he might have a hard time balancing his personal life and work life properly. A lot of kaiju have it out for him, so his partner may wake up some mornings and see that he’s gone without a trace. But when he’s home, he’ll clean all the dishes, prepare dinner, and do anything else to remind his partner that he loves them with all his radioactive heart! Aww! Just don’t ask to look at his baby photos. Seriously, don’t.
People call him a Godzilla rip-off. But someone’s rip-off might be husband material to someone else. Also, who would’ve thought a monster turtle would be…kind of cute? Especially with those wittle tusks! And the way he shoots into the air and spins around like a giant flaming blue turtle shell is simply magnifique. Best of all, he’s a naturally gifted acrobat!
His creators had high expectations of him to become the best and upstage the wildly successful Godzilla. The two giant lizards are family friends, but Gamera is constantly reminded by others of the shoes he’s being forced to fill. Some may think this would turn him into a raging, grudge-filled death machine, but really, Gamera’s a pretty humble guy. Even though he’s willing to talk about his relationship to Godzilla when asked, he doesn’t allow that to define him. All he wants to do is protect Earth’s children from the dinosaurs and space fish who seek to hurt them. His goal is to eventually settle down and have his own family, maybe become a househusband to take care of the kids and make terrible dad jokes. His favorite is shouting “Bless you!” when someone says “kaiju”.
This lady is filled to the brim with angst and self-doubt. All she hears every single day is, “She looks so much like her brother!” and “Isn’t she related to Godzilla? Wow!” She absolutely can’t stand it, and this envy seeps into her romantic life as well. She feels deeply insecure when she sees her date hanging out with Godzilla, and may need assurance that she is loved and is enough. Calling her a beautiful flower will work wonders, because she’s literally a rose plant monster.
She may have angry outbursts, or periods of time when she disappears into space to brood for a while. On bad days her snake-like vines will chew through the furniture. She is made up of Godzilla genes, a rose, and a human woman who truthfully didn’t ask to become an immortal plant monster. But as long as her partner shows willingness to stay and help her through her trauma, then Biollante will blossom into an equally loving kaiju. She will shower her partner with kisses and spores every day, and make the house smell like roses with just a hint of rotting corpses (give her a break, it’s hard to brush all those teeth after a day of terrorizing the local city).
Honestly, he shouldn’t be on this list for one reason and one reason only: Ann Darrow. King Kong might deny it, but he’s definitely still in love with the woman he kidnapped (with consent!) all those years ago like he was Donkey Kong or something. But if there’s someone who still wants to date him, then it’s good to know that this big hairy man is a little spoiled. When he lived on Kong Island, its inhabitants always gave him human sacrifices to keep him happy, so he might be a bit rude on the first date. Eventually though, King Kong will turn into a big softie. Turns out he doesn’t always like to wrestle the mutant dinosaurs who enter his territory; when given the chance he enjoys a bit of ice skating! Well, it’s more like clumsily sliding around on his butt, but it’s so cute to watch.
Of course, the biggest downside is that King Kong will most likely never get over Ann. She was the first one to show him kindness when the world enslaved him and chucked him off a skyscraper. Even if things go to the next level romantically, there will still be the feeling that there’s someone else on his mind. As he climbs to the top of the Empire State Building with his new lover in hand, he does so without passion in his eyes. Can his partner ever show him that there’s plenty of fish in the sea, ones who aren’t destitute blonde-haired actresses?
He’s basically a straight up dinosaur, so dinosaur fans rejoice! Rodan would be happy to let his date hop on his back and go flying. However, it might not be as romantic as Aladdin and Jasmine soaring through the clouds on the magic carpet. It’d probably be more like standing on top of a jet plane flying at supersonic speeds no ordinary human being can withstand. Cuddling with Rodan when it’s cold out is perfect since his body is basically a furnace, but this may result in some severe night sweats/combustion. Regardless, just make sure the military isn’t outside with guns at the ready in the mornings. He hates waking up to bullets in the face and gets all grumpy for the rest of the day. “Happens every time!” he’ll screech.
Unfortunately, Rodan’s biggest flaw is that he has serious commitment issues. He struggles picking sides in an argument, and while he might agree with his partner at first, he will totally take someone else’s side if he thinks they “brought up a good point.” Then when his partner gets mad and tells him why he’s wrong, Rodan will nod his head and agree until someone else’s argument sways him again. He can’t make up his dang mind! Expect to break up then make up with this one at least ten times a day.
Robot lovers will adore this kaiju. He’s got finger rockets, toe rockets, a jetpack, laser beams, and maybe a little man controlling him from the inside, which may appeal to mecha fans. And unlike Gigan, he is safer to snuggle! Woohoo! But if someone wants something serious with him, then they’re out of luck.
MechaGodzilla is a bit of a blank slate and won’t do anything unless he’s told so. Dates with him are uneventful and boring. When trying to pick a restaurant, he’ll simply say, “I don’t mind either way.” If his date asks him which of their outfits they should wear for the evening, he’ll reply, “They all look okay.” It’s less being indecisive and more being completely apathetic to whatever is going on. The only thing that gives him a hint of personality is that he wants to destroy Godzilla and the Earth, but really, nearly EVERY other kaiju wants the same thing. A silver lining is that he won’t be angry, sad, or happy if his partner wants to break up! He’ll probably just nod and chill out for a bit, until someone else approaches him and either asks for a date or for Godzilla to be obliterated.
First off all, do not hug this evil PEW PEW cyclops chicken under any circumstances. Seriously. Just look at that tummy buzz saw, that’s not a fun way to die. Second of all, this fella is all flash but absolutely no substance. His Instagram is only pictures of his sports car he spent too much money on and the new weapons installed into his body. It’s a lot of “Check out my new double chainsaw hands! #hardtotype #fyp” posted multiple times a day. And third of all, he’s not very dependable. He’ll get one arm chopped off during a battle and he’s out of there in a flash. Come on Gigan, just fight and die and be brought back to life like everyone else!
Overall it’s not worth dating him for the long term. Gigan’s just going on these dates because his friends and creators told him to meet other people instead of staying cooped up on his planet and building a new blade to wear as a hat. On the bright side, he’s fun to hang out with. Not many kaiju can have a million different weapons installed into their bodies and function normally. His partner just needs to maintain a good distance from him in case he accidentally turns around and decapitates their head. It has happened more than once.
This three-headed alien space dragon has been nothing but bad news in the kaiju universe. He’s even referred as the planet-eater. Like, if he ever ate Mars, then no sane person wants to be the one who dated the guy who ate Mars. That is so not fetch, which also means that dating him would be an actual nightmare.
The middle head is blunt, too blunt. The second he sees his date in person he’ll blurt out, “Oh, that’s what you really look like? Geez.” The left head is just as bad; he orders for his date, then comments, “Isn’t that a lot of food?” once his date starts eating! Says the giant monster who could eat the whole dang restaurant (which he threatens to do if the staff tells him the wait time will be more than 10 minutes)! King Ghidorah’s charm goes up just a bit though with the right head, who seems friendly enough…until he starts asking the date very personal questions about exes, family history, why they have so many pimples on their face, etc. It’s three worst-case scenarios for bad dates combined into one big dude. And the worst part is…they don’t even tip the waiter.
Oooh, this evil dude is all the way down here for a reason. The second he walks through the door there’s a big red flag strapped to his back. He practically emits serial killer vibes even miles away. However he’s very charming once he opens his mouth, and his date might actually think he’s a decent guy. He’s funny, he’s smart, and his little horn looks like a unicorn horn, and unicorns are good, so he must be good!
But beware! Once things start getting serious this man will destroy-ya heart. He’ll do things like give his partner a free cologne sample he randomly picked up at the mall as a late birthday present, and ghost them when they confess their undeniable feelings for him. Then when his partner breaks down, crying that he doesn’t love them, he’ll gently caress their face with his giant claw and whisper, “Uh. Yeah,” before going “RAAAAA-EEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAH” right in their ear and flying away. And weeks later, he’ll apologize and ask to be friends. The nerve! Destroyah lives to break hearts and families. Do. Not. Date! EVER!
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