The Witcher 3 has received significant praise for multiple reasons, including its storytelling, visuals, and amazing quests. Yet, a brilliant aspect of the game that often gets overlooked is its humor. The game is brimming with laugh-out-loud lines. And the likes of Yennefer, Zoltan, Dijkstra, and more all contribute to the overall hilarity of the game.
However, the main provider of comedy is the master of deadpan Geralt. His specific comedic stylings involve a lot of sarcasm as he regularly mocks the bizarre people he meets on his adventure. That’s not to say he is one-note, though, as he also likes to deliver clever comebacks and even the occasional pun. Here is a collection of some of his wittiest remarks.
10 “A Master Monster Slayer In The World’s Largest City… Looking For Rat S***… Sheesh”
Geralt isn’t a fan of fancy living, but even he has his limits. While in Novigrad, he helps Triss on a job removing rats from a warehouse.
To do that, he needs to figure out where the rodents are coming from by finding evidence of their activity. Unfortunately for the Witcher, a great piece of evidence is their waste. Geralt hilariously sums up how far he’s fallen with the quote in question.
9 “I Detest Banquets. Vacuous Conversation, Food Portions Fit For A Mouse, Drinks That Taste Like P***.”
Geralt’s hatred of portals is well documented – people have even made memes about it – but he hates fancy banquets almost as much. And when he is lured to one during the Hearts of Stone expansion, he is explicit in why he’s not a fan.
It’s difficult for players to determine if Geralt’s complaints are reasonable as they’ve not been to a banquet in The Witcher universe. But legitimate or not, they certainly are funny.
8 “Where’d You Complete Your Training? School Of The Snail?”
At one point in the game, the village of Lindenvale gets hoodwinked by a man pretending to be a Witcher. Naturally, it’s up to Geralt to sort the situation out.
Upon finding the fake Witcher, Geralt isn’t mad; in fact, he finds humor in the wannabe monster slayer not being able to handle a simple Ghoul. The real Witcher then makes fun of the trickster’s snail-like combat style.
7 “Caed’mil, Bloede Dh’oine… Hocus-Pocus… Abracadabra… Arse Blathanna…”
The quest where Geralt, Lambert, and Eskel get insanely drunk is filled with laugh-out-loud moments. One of the best lines is delivered when the three are dressed up ready to use the Megascope to invite over some powerful sorceresses.
Geralt needs to say the right words to get the mechanism working. And he begins okay, with some actual elder speech, but he quickly deteriorates into spouting generic magic words before ending with “arse blathanna.” It’s classic drunken nonsense that epitomizes the greatness of the scene.
6 “Fascinating Story. Any Chance You’re Nearing The End?”
There are plenty of odd people roaming around The Witcher universe. For instance, the woman in White Orchard who has lost her frying pan. When engaging with Geralt, she tells a rambling story about her missing cooking equipment. After a while, the Witcher can’t help but sarcastically ask if the long story is coming to an end.
Nobody can blame him, as the story seems to be going on forever by that point. And he certainly doesn’t need all those details to find a pan.
5 “Really Got An Imp Problem? Or Is That Just An Imp-erfection In The Notice?”
Even master monster hunters can appreciate a good pun, and Geralt delivers plenty of them throughout the third game. His best, though, comes when he questions a merchant about the Imp notice he put up.
The situation makes the joke even funnier as the guy has a serious problem he needs help with, but the Witcher still takes the time to make jokes. In Geralt’s defense, he’s used to hunting monsters who are much creepier than Imps, therefore it’s no surprise he’s cavalier about the whole thing – it turns out to be a doppler anyway.
4 “Witcher Mutations. They Strip Us Of Emotion. I’d Be Jumping For Joy Otherwise.”
Dijkstra makes more sarcastic comments than anybody else in The Witcher 3. However, on this occasion, he’s on the receiving end.
It starts with the Witcher accepting Sigi’s job offer in a very unenthusiastic way. Dijkstra then makes a remark about the muted response, so Geralt sarcastically blames it on his mutations. The two always trade jokes back and forth, but this one is particularly hilarious.
3 “You Smell Wonderful At This Funeral”
When Geralt first gets to Skellige, he walks right into a funeral they’re having for their king. Yennefer is also there, and the Witcher starts flirting with her almost immediately.
Although, after he compliments her smell, she points out that they’re at a funeral. This doesn’t deter Geralt as he doubles-down on his initial statement, but with the added acknowledgment of the event. If Yennefer doesn’t appreciate the witty retort, then maybe she should be with someone else because it’s classic Geralt.
2 “Something Wrong With My Face?”
Full Quote: “Why Men Throw Their Lives Away Attacking An Armed Witcher…I’ll Never Know. Something Wrong With My Face?”
Throughout Geralt’s adventure in The Witcher 3, he comes across many bandits and soldiers that try to square up to him.
It ends up making the Witcher question why these people are challenging him. And it’s a fair query as Witchers are known for regularly killing incredibly strong monsters, so why mess with one? It’s certainly not because of Geralt’s face like he comically suggests as everyone should be afraid to fight a badass-looking guy like him.
1 “Lambert, Lambert – What A Pr***.”
While riding in a boat with Lambert, Geralt compares the thickness of the fog to curdled milk. His fellow Witcher then pokes fun at the poetic statement, so in response, Geralt delivers a limerick he knows. Unfortunately for Lambert, the five-line poem is actually just a joke at his expense, though he still seems a little impressed by it.
The whole interaction is hilarious. And it’s nice to see that two of the franchises’ most powerful Witchers are not above partaking in juvenile banter.
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