The idea of joke weapons was first introduced to Final Fantasy fans in the series’ fourth entry. Since then, they’ve gone on to become something of a series staple, appearing in numerous mainline entries as well as some of the many spin-off titles. How exactly they function can sometimes vary, but they all have one thing in common. They’re hilarious.
A few of these weapons are actually incredibly powerful, although those that are often have an Achilles’ heel of sorts. Some instead draw their comedic value from their ridiculous appearances, while others look normal but have have no practical uses whatsoever. In a series that so often adopts a serious tone though, they can definitely help to lighten the mood.
10 The Spoon (Final Fantasy IV)
Considered by many to be the very first joke weapon to appear in the series, the Spoon seems to have come about as the result of a mistranslation during the localization process for Final Fantasy IV. It’s not quite as funny as Tellah’s infamous “You Spoony Bard” line, but is still pretty amusing nonetheless. In the original Japanese release, the weapon is instead referred to as the Meat Cleaver and was actually renamed to the Kitchen Knife in subsequent western releases.
Whatever its name, it’s tied with Lightbringer as the game’s most powerful weapon and has double the accuracy to boot. The only catch is that the weapon cannot be equipped by any of the party and must instead be thrown at enemies by Edge rather than swung. Thanks to its high power though, it’s capable of dealing max damage to even the game’s toughest foes.
9 Cloud’s Nail Bat (Final Fantasy VII Remake)
Cloud’s Nail Bat actually shows up in the original game, but is the first joke weapon to make an appearance in Final Fantasy VII Remake so far. Whether the rest will show up in later parts remains to be seen, although if they do, the Nail bat suggests that they’ll remain every bit as cumbersome as before.
Although not quite as useless as it was in Final Fantasy VII, the remake’s Nail Bat is undoubtedly the worst of Cloud’s six weapons. It’s incredibly slow even in Punisher Mode, starts with no materia slots and both its physical and magic stats are locked at 30. It does provide some decent critical hit bonuses, but they aren’t nearly enough to make the weapon viable.
8 The Model Gun (Final Fantasy VII: Dirge Of Cerberus)
While playing Final Fantasy VII: Dirge Of Cerberus, helping a little boy in Silent Edge will grant access to a warehouse containing the Model Gun. At first, it might seem like a bit of a joke and that’s because it is. The base version of the gun has just 1 power and 5 range, although it holds something of a secret.
After reaching Chapter 8, players will be able to upgrade the Model Gun. The first two upgraded forms are just as useless as the first, but the third turns it in to Vincent’s Ultima Weapon. The process isn’t cheap, but the reward is arguably worth the high price. In its final form, the weapon boasts 200 power and can hold the maximum amount of ammo; thus making it one of the game’s very best.
7 Aerith’s Umbrella (Final Fantasy VII)
Every character in the original version of Final Fantasy VII has access to a joke weapon, many of which can be found in the Temple of the Ancients. Aerith’s Umbrella isn’t actually one of them though, with players instead having to win it at the Speed Square section of the Gold Saucer. Much like some of the mini-games found there, it is something of a mixed bag.
Unlike some of the series’ other joke weapons, the Umbrella is actually incredibly strong. When it comes to dealing physical damage, in fact, no weapon is better equipped. Unfortunately, however, this power comes at a cost as the weapon has no materia slots. Even so, there is something strangely satisfying about watching Aerith cast magic with an umbrella in much the same way that Hagrid does in the Harry Potter franchise.
6 Zack’s Parasol (Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core)
Although the tone of Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core is often a lot darker than some of the other titles in the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, it does have its fair share of lighter moments too. One of these comes when Zack visits the Costa Del Sol and decides to strip down to his trunks and relax on the beach. Sadly though, the poor guy doesn’t have much time to relax.
In both the main storyline and the Fun in the Sun! set of side missions, Zack will need to defeat a number of enemies while he’s on the beach. Rather than using his trusty Buster Sword, however, he instead picks up a nearby sun parasol and proceeds to beat enemies senseless with it. This is likely a nod to Final Fantasy VII, where Zack’s then girlfriend Aerith can also wield an umbrella.
5 The Afrosword (Final Fantasy XV)
Inspired by the Dutch DJ and producer Afrojack, the Afrosword is one of the more bizarre joke weapons to feature across any of the Final Fantasy games. For starters, it’s shaped like a giant mixing desk. What’s more, when it’s equipped by either Noctis or Gladiolus, the game’s battle music will change to the Timed Quest theme.
Despite its comedic nature, the Afrosword is a fairly powerful weapon thanks to its 503 power. That’s not to say that there aren’t much better weapons in Final Fantasy XV, but for those looking to spice things up a bit, it’s a lot more viable than it might otherwise first seem. Those hoping to get their hands on it will need to save up an awful lot of Quest Points though.
4 The Chicken Knife (Final Fantasy V)
Final Fantasy V features several interesting joke weapons, but perhaps the most unique is the Chicken Knife. It starts out fairly weak, but grows increasingly stronger each time the player flees from battle. Its power eventually caps out at 127, which may not seem that good on paper. Due to it being the only weapon in the game that takes the agility stat into consideration though, it’s actually one of the most powerful.
The Chicken Knife also has a twin of sorts, known in western releases as the Brave Blade. Unlike the Chicken Knife, however, the Brave Blade starts out as one of the game’s most powerful weapons but grows permanently weaker each time the player flees.
3 Excalipoor (Various)
The Excalipoor is probably the most iconic and recognizable joke weapon in the series, having appeared in numerous titles. It first does so in Final Fantasy V, but has since appeared in six other mainline Final Fantasy games as well as numerous spinoffs. The spelling of its name can sometimes vary, but its unique qualities typically remain consistent across its many outings.
The weapon is one of many that’s wielded by Gilgamesh. Unlike his incredibly powerful Excalibur sword though, the Excalipoor only deals damage equivalent to 1 HP. There are a few notable uses for it, however, including in Final Fantasy VI. Here, it can be bet at the Colosseum to gain access to a special battle with Gilgamesh in which players have a chance of obtaining the Gilgamesh magicite.
2 Nagnarock (Final Fantasy Tactics)
Just as Excalipoor plays on one of the series’ most powerful weapons, so too does Final Fantasy Tactics‘ Nagnarock. Series fans should immediately recognize this as a spoonerism of sorts and an obvious reference to the recurring weapon, Ragnarock. Sadly, however, it is nowhere near as impressive.
Much like the Excalipoor, the Nagnarock boasts only a single attack power. It too has its uses though, even if they are a little limited. The dark blade’s defending rate is 50% which is more than three times higher than that of any other sword in the game. It also has a chance of inflicting the Toad status on enemies, although whether either is really worth the huge trade off in power is certainly debatable.
1 Cid’s Mop (Final Fantasy VII)
Cid Highwind is one of the most foul-mouthed characters to have ever graced a Final Fantasy game. He’s also a very proud and serious man, which is part of what makes seeing him swing a mop around at his foes so damn hilarious. That said, it would still be pretty funny in the hands of any of the other party members.
The weapon itself isn’t too bad and, in fact, boats a fairly solid attack stat for earlier stages of the game. Like the other joke weapons in Final Fantasy VII, however, the lack of materia slots makes it something of a none starter for those looking to take on some of the game’s tougher challenges. For the laughs though, no weapon is better.
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